S’il te plaît, dis-moi que je ne suis pas le seul à avoir un père Starfield terrifiant.

Readers, I have a confession to make. I should probably stop playing Starfield. Not because its main quests are extremely boring and repetitive. And it’s not because its planets are mostly dull and lifeless. It’s mainly because wherever I go in the universe, I am haunted by the fleshy specter of a disfigured man. I’m not even talking about the adoring fan (although he also watches my every move). I’m referring to my own father in the game, whose randomly generated face and features are so horrifying to me that it makes my mouth feel a little sick every time I encounter him. Honestly, who can blame me when his mouth is so high it cuts off his nose?

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Was Starfield worth the wait? Liam and Alice B discuss this question – and much more – in the video above. Watch on YouTube

Yes, it’s that jerk up there, smiling from his seat at the breakfast bar as if he’s the cat’s pajamas. Why is he like that? I’ve heard anecdotally that your parents in the game are based on the sliders and levers you input in the character creator, but if that was true, I still don’t believe you could realistically extrapolate what my character looks like:

Image Credit: Rock Paper Shotgun/Bethesda Softworks shotgun

Of course, it doesn’t help that whenever I enter Starfield’s photo mode, my character seems to have a 99% chance of blinking or looking incredibly teary-eyed, as if they’ve just emerged from a cave where they’ve never seen anything but gray their whole lives. But even so, side by side, I just don’t believe you would say, « Yeah, those two are definitely father and daughter! I can totally see the resemblance! » The nose is different, the mouth is different. Damn, even his eyelashes are longer than mine! Thankfully, my mother looks more ordinary, although I would still say we don’t resemble each other much either. But at least her features are all proportioned. Dad, however… I mean, yeah, either he’s been spending the money I’ve been sending home on multiple trips to the Enhance stands recently, or space botox just has a different impact on New Atlantis, I don’t know… I can’t really pay attention to what he’s saying, because I’m too fascinated by how his lips curl up over the edge of his nose, his mustache disappearing into the folds of flesh up to his nostrils… The harsh lighting of Constellation’s Lodge clearly doesn’t do him any favors here either. Kudos to my parents for installing soft, warm lighting at home to make my father slightly less frightening, I suppose…

Image Credit: Rock Paper Shotgun/Bethesda Softworks shotgun

*Ahem* Sorry, I got carried away there for a second. Brrrr. The fact is, it would be perfectly fine if my Starfield father stayed locked in his apartment like a good little goblin, but he… keeps… showing up and embarrassing me. I mean, Starfield NPCs aren’t really nuanced enough to react as if he’s lingering like a bad smell, but if this happened in something like Baldur’s Gate 3 or, I don’t know, real life, you can bet my Constellation colleagues would say, « Are you sure you’re related to that guy? Do you want us to… get him out for you? » Honestly, it’s already annoying enough when your parents show up at work with a care package saying what a great little space cadet you’re going to be, but when I travel to Neon for Constellation’s official business, trying to arrange a secret meeting to secure another artifact and catch them both deliriously babbling in the Astral Lounge, pretending they definitely didn’t take any Aurora meds…It’s just… Dad, please stop, I’m trying to look cool in front of Barret and my boss, okay?! Damn it. Parents. You can’t take them anywhere. No, I still don’t see how these two humans can be related…

Image Credit: Rock Paper Shotgun/Bethesda Softworks shotgun

Really, I should just remove the Kid Stuff trait and pretend that none of this ever happened. I think it would be better for everyone if I did. Just cut all ties and let them continue living their terrifying lives, with flapping lips and wet kisses. Seriously, I hate to think about the state of his beard underneath. Shaving must be a nightmare…